the book slowly fills

so sometimes i just write crap, but in color

~~~

once more ruin has befallen that which i hold dear, it would do well for me not to think much of it. this could be the last moments in this silent hour. why did i lay waste to that which i found so beautiful? i fell through my own devices, collapsed upon my own foundation. there is so much that i have ignored for so long. this beautiful landscape holds no light for me, there is to much now i know for doubt not to have taken hold and gripped its icy fingers into the slight passages of my heart. for now i will ever be wary and truth will always escape me. 

the loss is continuing through trust and doubt combined as one, but paralyzing half the emotion. like a stroke victim unable to move my right side. the words spoken seem honest enough but oh how sadly we can be deterred and tricked by own own imaginations.

like an epic sand castle on the beach. topped with the beauty of the ocean and in ignorance of the crashing waves pounding into the shore, the moment you leave it to admire... swamping come the current and the waves, the madness  and chaos of the forces of nature consuming the work and demolishing the beauty to leave ruin.

the only way is forward, you can't go backward on a forward only track leaving behind that which you saw as beauty to forage anew something else. dive deeper than before, find a more truthful landscape to build upon. the step after is always the hardest to take. 

going down so deep, proves that darkness is consuming and release becomes harder. 

color so bright and vivid will fade, longing so hard and true will disappear, beauty so fair and fine will grow out and wither and the wind and empty echos will always be waiting just below the fall of expectation.

a favorite quote:

"Expectation leads to disappointment. if you don't expect something big huge and exciting... " - the books.